Saturday, December 9, 2017

NO TITLE…..


Who said we have a life review only when we die? We have a life review when someone else dies too, someone who has been part of your own life for years, for a significant part of your own life… When he has defined so much of what you are, who you are today… in so many respects….

I guess by now you have realized I avoid writing about my own ideas. Let alone feelings. I hate drama and I don’t like writing about myself.  In fact I believe so much valuable stuff has been written by brilliant minds over the centuries. I don’t think there is much for me to add. Instead, I’d rather repeat a lot of what these brilliant minds have contributed to my own personal development, so you can be helped too.  But this time I’ll make an exception… It is beyond me not to..

I don’t have a printer at home.  I hate jammed paper. I am in an internet café nearby. All I want to do here is have a few pages printed out, but I get a latte and am determined to spend the next couple of hours checking e-mails and surfing the internet, as I always do. I am checking messages and notifications on facebook. I am in his timeline.  I haven’t seen him on line for a long time. Last time we met? Two and a half years ago. Last time we got in touch? Some time in August, on the phone. He was on holidays he said. I can’t even remember where he said he was now. He would be back around the 20th. He said he would call… He didn’t. It was my name day on November 25th. It’s a Greek custom to celebrate and wish “many happy and prosperous years”. He didn’t call.  It was his name day on December 6th. I didn’t call either. 

I am on his timeline trying to find something that would reveal where he has been and what he’s been doing.  I’m looking a few days back.  A couple of wishes from friends on his name day. Even further backwards…. Some strange posts…. “Good bye my friend! You’ll be in my heart for ever”. “I will always remember you” “My condolences to his family”!!!  What are they talking about? Is this a cosmic joke? Or they’re talking about someone else?

It takes me a while to realize what is going on. How can this be possible? This was not on schedule! This is never on schedule as far as someone so significant for you is concerned. I leave the internet café.  I can’t go straight home.  It’s a sweet December evening. I was on the beach earlier this afternoon. How can life feel so different just a few hours later? I walk along the marina.  Such a lovely place! The shops are open. The yachts are full of lights. I have flashes of memories.  We used to walk in such places together. Years ago.  I can see him in the hospital, 20 years ago, when he offered to be my mentor and supervisor in the psychiatric clinic. So many days… so many nights there! And then in his private office.  He taught me so many things!!! His patients adored him. And I was proud I was his supervisee. 

He had an obsession with death.  He deeply believed that all you can wait for after you have turned 60 is death.  Was his passing away a self-fulfilling prophesy, or  was it some kind of hunch about what was destined to happen?  The yachts are so beautiful…. Flashes keep coming…. He loved travelling. He had been around the world.  For years I drove him to and from the airport when he travelled.  “The doctor with no borders” I used to call him. My life felt empty when he was away.   

So it feels now… But this time nothing is going to change. No matter how many days go by.  He is gone… forever… So much left unsaid… So much left undone… There is not going to be another chance to say or do anything ever… Not in this life anyway… Is the belief that we are never really separated from the people we love, and that we are together again in future lives a comfort? I think it is…   

He laughed with me when I talked about past lives, or future lives. He practiced conventional psychiatry.  This was his training.  He never changed.  Flashes keep coming…. We used to go to the old airport then… There was a very beautiful café/bar at the eastern airport those times.. Overlooking the tarmac and the aircrafts.  You could see the arrivals and departures. It was idyllic… Particularly late at night…

I buy a bottle of wine at the supermarket.  Rose. He loved wine.  We had so much wine together all the years we shared our lives. This time I will drink alone.  I am back home.  In the lift I look in the mirror. The face looking back at me is 10 years older than the one I remember. Is this some kind of time travel?  I am home. The clock shows two and a half hours approximate after I left. But now it feels like being in another world. What an eerie sensation!  Willow, my cat girl comes near me and rubs against my legs. She does all the time… but this time it feels different. Now I know what they mean when they say that all that is left in the end is love.
In some strange way I realize that this is the first time I truly experience the loss of a loved one. Though all my family, the people who brought me up, have gone, I never had this devastating feeling of loss. Maybe because for me they were already dead long before they left. This time it is different…

How strange… I realize we never had taken a photo together.  Was it because it was long before the current obsession with photos, uploaded everywhere? Or because it was not an option for us? All that has been left of him are some publications in medical journals and convention presentations we have done together.

I know life will never be the same again.  Ever. I will not be the same ever again. You can’t be the same person when you lose someone who is part of you in so many ways. He was my friend, my mentor, my companion. He was the love of my life for years.

Good bye Nick. Good bye sweetheart. See you soon.  Kate

  
P.S1. Why have I chosen to write all this in English? It is not my mother tongue. Why then? So many questions… so few answers…

P.S2. I find his daughter's fb profile.  On her timeline photo it writes "We left everything for tomorrow.  And that tomorrow never came"

 

No comments:

Post a Comment